it's been awhile.

ang dami kong iniwasan so far. at isa na dun yung pag-oonline. may it be on face book, or blogger or any social network site. why? one reason. NAKAKASAKIT NA KASI SILA.

in some way or another, it isn't their fault that i was feeling that way. kaya nga ako na lang ang umiwas eh. been trying to avoid such things para naman kahit papano eh mabawasan yung pag-iyak ko sa gabi. i also allow myself to focus on some things para mawalan ako ng time sa pag-iisip ng mga ganyang bagay.

nakakainis lang kasi kahit naman wala silang ginagawa eh nasasaktan ka pa din. haaay. praning no? adik lang. for quite some time, nagtatanong din ako why i have to be so emotional? bakit kasi hindi na lang ako yung tao na balewala ang lahat ng nasa paligid ko? yung tipong, the hell i care with what you do as long as it doesn't involve me. kaso hindi nga ganun eh. i've been hurt and still hurting for the same old reason. him. and her. kinda nakakasawa, parang naka-hang lang kasi ako, not knowing what to do.. but in fact i know what i should do, and that is to accept that they are happy and that happiness doesn't include me.

well, that's life. life happens and it happens to be unfair. accept and move on. that's what someone told me. but it's hard. they should know that too.

KAYA PA?

yan yung tweet ni firmo kanina. napaisip ako. kaya pa ba? para kasing hindi na.

ang weird ng mga naiisip ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. gusto kong maging isda (fish) sa aquarium. gusto kong maging butterfly. gusto kong maging bata ulit. pero higit sa lahat, gusto kong hindi na lang ako pinanganak.

gusto kong maging isda sa aquarium. (kelangan talaga sa aquarium hehe). nasa makati ako last thursday nung nakakita ako ng gold fish sa aquarium. nung nakita ko sya, isa lang ang pumasok sa isip ko: buti pa sya, nandun lang, may protection na nanggagaling sa aquarium, at inaalagaan ng mga tao sa paligid nya. hindi nya kelangang matakot sa marahas na labanan sa mundo. nandun lang sya, payapang naglalangoy habang inaaliw ang mga nakatingin sa kanya. buti pa sya.

gusto kong maging paru-paro. kahit 7 days lang ang tinatagal ng buhay ng isang paru-paro, gusto ko pa din na maging sila na lang. after 7 days kasi, sigurado na sila na pupunta sila sa langit. dun magiging masaya na sila. hindi na nila kelangan matakot ng matagal sa mga bata na balak silang hulihin at paglaruan.. masyadong maikli yung time na mararamdaman nila yung sakit (na hindi rin naman lahat sila eh nakakaranas, kasi kung mapalad sila, yung buong seven days na life span nila ay pwedeng puro magagandang bagay lang ang mangyari sa kanila). gusto kong maging sila kasi kahit masaktan man ako, at least alam ko na konting araw lang ang lilipas at hindi ko na yun mararamdaman ng permante.

gusto kong maging bata ulit. yung pagkakataon na ang pinakamalaking problema ko lang sa mundo eh kung pano ko isisintas yung sapatos ko. yung wala akong pakialam kung anong itsura ko at hindi ko tinitingnan ang itsura ng mga kaibigan ko. yung ang mahalaga lang sakin eh maglaro. yung pag nasugatan ako, iiyak ako ng sobrang lakas tapos to the rescue na ang supermom ko. yung panahon na ang kaaway ko ay ang kapatid ko kasi ayaw niyang magshare ng laruan pero ilang minuto lang eh makakaisip na ko ng paraan para maagaw yun sa kanya kaya sya naman ang iiyak. yung panahon na pag natulog ako sa gabi, pag gising ko kinabukasan, ang poproblemahin ko lang eh kung anong laro ang lalaruin naming magkakaibigan. that time when love was mom's hug and the highest place on earth was dad's shoulder.gusto kong balikan yan. at kung maaari lang, ayoko ng umalis sa panahon na yan.

bakit ko naman gugustuhin na hindi na lang ipanganak? simple lang. gusto ko diretso na ko sa langit pagkacreate sakin. kasi dun, puro masasayang bagay lang. eh anu naman ngayon kung iniisip nyo na duwag ako? actually hindi ako duwag (pero kung ipipilit nyo yan, hindi ko kayo pipigilan). napapagod na lang kasi akong masaktan. nakakapagod yung araw-araw iiyak ka. matatapos ang isang problema, may dadating na bago. nakakapagod makipaglaban. nakakapagod umiyak lalo na kung balde balde na yung nawala sayo. at aminin nyo, nakakapagod sayo (bilang kaibigan) na pakinggan ang paulit ulit na sentimyento ng kaibigan mo. paulit ulit lang naman kasi, walang bago. minsan, hindi ka lang makapagreklamo kasi nilibre ka nya dati nung gutom na gutom ka at alam mong malaki ang utang na loob mo sa kanya kaya nakikinig ka.

ngayong oras na to, ang sagot ko sa tanong sa taas eh HINDI NA. nagpapakatotoo lang naman ako. may kanya kanya tayong opinyon, kaya kung ibang opinyon mo eh di gumawa ka din ng entry mo. maaaring magmukha akong talunan kasi inamin kong hindi ko na kaya, pero mas okay na yun, kesa magpakaplastic ako at harapin ang lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ng isang makapagod-pangang ngiti habang tumutugtog sa background ang joy to the world song. minsan kelangan ko din aminin sa sarili ko na oo talunan nga ako. talunan ako sa pagkakataong ito. ako ang umuwing luhaan at sirang sira ang sarili. yung kahit sangkatutak na mighty bond pa ang irekomenda sakin para buuing parang bago ulit ang sarili ko eh tatanggihan ko na. gusto ko munang manatili sa pagiging talunan ko. dito muna ako. habang hindi ko pa kaya. lulunurin ko ang sarili ko sa sakit. ipaparamdam ko sa sarili ko na pagod na pagod na ako. iiyak ako ng sobrang lakas at wala akong pakialam sa paligid ko. hindi ko ipapakita na malakas ako. dito lang ako. dito muna ako. habang hindi ko pa kaya.

not-so-cool experience

And so I attended the 14th Worker's General Assembly of our church. The whole night was actually fun. A lot of my friends were surprised by my arrival. Even siguro si Marci hindi ineexpect na dadating ako. Lumapit pa sya sakin tas sabi niya welcome home daw. He even extended his hands and offer me a handshake which is a little awkward for me pero tinanggap ko naman para di ako magmukhang bastos. Then Jessa took a photo of us, (the one below). The said photo was uploaded in Jessa's facebook account. di ko na sana papansin eh, but if you could read the comment below, you can't blame me for feeling this way. YES, I AM MAD! you see, my name was mentioned 3 times in the comment box by my friends. TAKE NOTE: they are my friends. hindi ko alam kung anong gusto nilang palabasin, pero iba kasing dating sakin eh. napahiya ako. to think that facebook is a social network where everything is visible to everybody! yung pakiramdam na ako yung naghahabol kay marci? sige, ipagpalagay na natin na alam ng lahat ng kaibigan ko na mahal ko siya, pero diba when you're friends, you should protect each other and not hurt each other? naiiyak ako sa nangyaring to.

Hey, You're Hurting Me. (just so you know)

That awkward moment when you think you're important to someone, but you're not.

-oh i hate such feelings. and i am actually feeling it now. it wasn't the first time though at hindi lang sa iisang tao ko to naramdaman. hindi ko alam kung may nakasabit sa leeg ko ng: "friends tayo pero dapat hide mo lang yung friendship natin".

i don't wanna be a cry baby but i am definitely not okay right now. i don't know what i did wrong or what i say wrong but someone just keeps on making me feel that i am less important and it's hurting me. oh geez!! and i am crying again? is it for real? seriously??

is it late to have a Christmas wishlist? (they say, everyday it is Christmas anyway)

here's mine:

i wanna meet someone who would not be ashamed that i am his friend.

speaking of which, am i UGLY? am i a whore? am i not worthy to be friend? napansin ko lang, meron akong ibang "kaibigan ko daw" who would act different when we were with a crowd and when we were alone. pag ikaw lang ang kasama they would act as if you are a princess and that you are very much special and blah blah blah pero pag marami ka ng kasama, they would just ignore your presence. what's wrong with you?? can't you just act normal?? is there anything wrong with me hanging around you? if that is so, eh di wag nyo akong kaibiganin. it's not hard to do. geez! you're just my friend so don't act as if boyfriend ko kayo ng patago because you are not!! and stop telling me that i am important because your action suggests a different story. :(

have you ever experienced that moment when suddenly you just cry? at one time you were happy then the other minute, tears just poured out of your eyes?

+_+

my news feed on facebook was again flooded by the status of my church mates. while reading some of it, my lacrimal gland (the duct producing tears) won't stop functioning. i know God has done something wonderful in their lives today during the Christmas Cantata and I didn't experience it. I am envy on how they experienced His love. If I could, I would go back to the Philippines right away.

a friend once told me that being alone doesn't mean being lonely, but right now, being far away from the people I love most and spending this entire Christmas season alone means I AM DYING.

T E A R S

for how many days now, my Lacrimal gland won't just stop functioning.

Tears + Pillow

they should be included in the 7 wonders of the world, because they do wonders! they always make me feel better.

when no one can see me, when i am hurt by people around me. when i can no longer turn to anyone. when i am so much tired of everybody. when everything seems okay but in fact it is not and i can no longer bear the pain, my easiest escape is crying.

and my pillows? at least it won't brag me on what i should do or what i shouldn't do. it wouldn't tell me the rules. it won't tell me the right and wrongs. it would jut stay there, as if trying to hug me and comfort me and tell me that everything's gonna be all right. at least even for a short period of time I can burst out all the emotions hidden in my heart.

and when the sun shows up the next morning, i am ready to wear my happy face once again. not because i am pretending to be strong but because i SHOULD be strong.

Rejection

how greatly it is to tell someone that you miss them? that you love them? for me, hearing these words from someone would mean so much to me. ang sarap sarap kasing pakinggan. parang nagkakaraon ka ng reason na bumangon araw araw because you know that there is someone who loves you. who looks up to you. who will be there when you need them. who would care when somethings went wrong. who'll stand beside you and who will fight for you, not for any other reason but simply because they love you.

but i came to a realization that saying these words can sometimes be as hard as forcing yourself not to fall asleep when you have been sleepless for 72 hours straight, that no matter what you do, you can't stay awake. you have to give in to what your body demanded you to do. to rest. to fall asleep.

i finally understand why other people can't say these words because I, myself have experienced it. it all summed up to one word. REJECTION.

it is true. saying these words can bring happiness to someone. if and only if, someone has responded positively. and that's the reason why others would choose to stay quiet and say not a thing at all. because somehow they know their love is one sided.

loving doesn't hurt you. rejection does. :(

a phone call

it was 6 in the morning when my mom called.. it was not for me but i still manage to get up to answer it.. after a minute of talkng, my mom asked if she can talk to my tita.. since i was really sleepy, i gave her the fone and go back to bed.. but then i can't go back to sleep.. i was not fond of listening to other's conversation, syempre alam ko na di maganda un.. pero kahit di ko sinasadya, there's something na narinig ko pa rin eh.. it's like this:

"masaya ka na.. makakagraduate na bunso mo, wala ka naman mapala sa panganay mo eh"

wew.. sino nga ba panganay saming magkapatid?? as far as i can remeber, ako yata.. ano ba pwede ko maramdaman after hearing those words?? haha, wala.. ang saya nga eh.. damn it!! sana mamatay na lang ako.. wew.. baka maging masaya pa sila..